A Treasury of rec.woodworking Humour (hoomer, Keith)

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Here are some rec.woodworking posts archived by Google that I think are absolutely hilarious. A number of other posts, notably Dave Fleming's, are not available because the authors chose not to have their posts archived. Other funny stuff has been stolen and incorporated in my rec.woodworking Anti-FAQ.

This page is a work in progress and will prolly continue to be unless the trolls take over the Wreck. If you think of other posts that need to be here, let me know. info@yukonomics.ca. Or post them on the wreck. Do it even if it's your post I forgot. I promise not to tell. If I forgot you, it's because you're forgettable. :-) No, really, ackshally, there has been so much good stuff over the years that's it's really easy to miss some. So don't be shy to recommend something.

This is Tom Watson's reply when I suggested: "Given his recent excellent efforts, I hereby nominate Tom as the wreck's official Poet Laureate. Any seconders?"
"I'm gonna head this one off at the pass. I thank ya fer ya kind words, Luigi but, Walt Akers is Gosh, in my book, when it comes to humorsful stories. Charlie Self is the Bull Goose Looney regarding the rabbit punch sort of dry humor. Keith Bohn is the Stealth Bomber of funny - his blank posts and 'sigh's, never fail to get a laugh from me. Paddy Olguin (O'Deen) is a way entertaining and not-nearly-ubiquitous-enough-contributor to the mirth level of the Wreck, Larry Jacques is a sly old funny and literary dog. Davey Eisan, when he's not overburdened by the cares of work, is funny as hell and the best, most entertaining troll on the group. The list goes on."

Meta funny: Tom Watson also posted about Who's funny and repeated that post. He forgot me. Sniff. :-( But the two threads are worth checking out if you're interested in who is considered funny.

So here they are, by author in reverse alphabetical order since one of my major lifetime traumas, resulting in abysmal self-esteem, is that I always am at the bottom of any alphabetised list. Some of the people on Tom's and others' lists are not here mainly because they tend to do repartee as opposed to telling funny stories. (Or I was too lazy to go look them up on Google.) So you're on your own to go check out the threads on Google.

But before I start, I need to acknowledge the masters of the one-liner who are not in this list: Charlie Self, Larry "c-less" Jaques and Ed Pawlowski. Although they're not on the list because they haven't posted any full length funny stories (that I can remember), their replies most often are quite witty. Although I have to admit that Charlie's dry wit sometimes goes right over my head, until later when I figure it out.

Tom Gauldin
Shop accident
Ok, Tom's not in reverse alphabetical order, but I think I am not remiss in saying that this is prolly the wreck's all-time favourite (favorite, Keith) post, judging by the number times it has been reposted (including by me). Here are a few more by Tom (Thanks, Ken).
Spot's tale
A note of caution
The car story
Big Jim and the sweetheart
Big Jim & the Sawzall
Lawn Tractor Recommendations
Electricity explained (If you check out the rest of the thread, this was first written by Tom although his original post does not seem to be in the archives.)

Bob Z.
Bob Zajicek has posted some really funny stuff, most of it replies to other posters. But I haven't been diligent enough in my Googling. So, if you've got any links, let me know. Ah! I found a couple: his "form flame" and a one-act play
The form flame
Ahoy the Turd Barge

Tom Watson
Tom's offerings are easy to find, since he's got them on his web site.
Norm Nowrecki
Norm Nowrecki - The Fall Of Dizum - Part The First
Norm Nowrecki - I.A.D.
Norm Nowrecki: The SoftWreck Shellacking
Norm Nowrecki - Kookology - And The Sands Of Time
Norm Nowrecki - Kookology - And The Sands Of Time - Part The Second
The Cremation of Joe Newbie
El Guano
Lasciate ogni speranza voi ch'entrate - Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here
Ode to a corded drill
Keep On Googlin' -Or- Statistics Do Not Lie? - Or - The origin of the Klownhammer
Wrecklish - A Guide For The Non-Native Speaker
OK, I'm getting tired of copying URLs from Google. Get the rest of them yourself on Tom's Writing Page.

Steve Wallace
Why was router bit slipping in collet?
How to deal with ARHA

Jeff Thunder
Woodworking Show in Milwaukee
Gonzo journalism at its best. It was written before Hunter S. died, but it is a fitting tribute.

Because it's cheesy! (Was: OT. If it's not SWMBO's idea, she shys away.)

Steve Sierp
Out of commision for a while. Anyone want steaks?

Frank Shapiro
Why 82 Degrees?

Paully Rad
The Odeen & the Sea, was Was Spraying shellac???
The late lamented Paully's bonefish post.

Ralph Engerman - REQuick Transit
FS Tablesaw
He got me real good with this one. I still have a scar in my mouth from the hook.
Re: Any experience with Lee Valley Cabinetmaker's Glue 2002 GF
Big Tool Sale
Yahoooo!!! New Tools
Kitchen cabinets
Hall of Fame/Shame Tool Survey
Updating old furniture
New Table saw Problems

This is but a small sample. Practically any of Paddy's posts will bring at least a chuckle.
Real router saga
BIG hand plane in my mailbox
Your Biggest Boner or tale of a workmutt
Stupid Tradesman Tricks
Original Crowbar FAQ
Latest Crowbar FAQ posting
My (Luigi's) tribute to Paddy's Crowbar FAQ.
For those who don't get it, here is the probably most famous of the many O'deen-BLeeds flame wars: Round or square dogholes
The Merry Christmas Top Ten of 94/95
Satan's Plane (or, the misunderstood #6
Cutting Joinery on Long Boards
Neanderthal-style Shelf Installation
The Wreck only big enough for one Dave....not BAD

J.F. Milliken
Tool Definitions- the woodworking variations

The Shake
The Shelf that Rearranged a Workshop
OT: Abbott and Costello in the computer age. OK, not a woodworking one, but pretty funny.

Cape Cod Bob
A newbie's Tale

Jim McNamara
Origin of Jummywood?

Same as with Bob Z. I gotta start digging through Silvan's posts. Silvan is the creator of the "wrecking off" phrase to describe our addiction. He has posted some pretty funny stuff. Here's a recent one.
Should you join BOID?

OT The OT political diatribes Just the FAQ (with no answers). Leon had us all in stitches with that one and I now have to rewrite the anti-faq.

Patrick Leach
Women woodworkers wanted. Deirdre added "would like to explore new joinery techniques as well as perfect the classical styles."

Brian Lanning
Puppies for Powertools... Revisited. Check out his math.

Steve LaMantia
"The Stripper" and "Careful, or You'll Poke an Eye Out" (brainsaaaaaaarrrrrgh)
Sandpaper Sharpening -- The original Scary Sharp post (Well, OK, Bennet did use the term first)

Ernie Jurick
Safety precautions

Paul Jordan
Opinions on Dust Collectors

Mr Troll
Ralph has written quite a few of these cringe-inducing posts, and some people actually took him seriously as recently as February 2008.
cleaning blood off a tablesaw
Birdhouses for the car?
popsicle sticks -- how to make most efficiencly?
New Motor for Tormek Grinder (Mr. Troll needs)
Melted Emmert Pattern Vice for Scrap
painting an old violin

Mike Hide
PVC Pipe and a DC System

David Hakala
UPS rant and Rockler praise
How to deal with FedEx customer service.

Frank Hagan
Making a Space Shuttle

Tool Definitions
This is the start of the thread that John Milliken responded to. According to Rod P., it was stolen from Road & Track, or Car & Driver & made its way elsewhere. Ackshally, Peter Shull pointed out that the credit should go to Peter Egan, Road & Track
Clamp tragedy.
I don't think this one is particularly funny, but others of a more sadistic bent might differ.
The most appropriate response to a "good" troll

Rick Fox
Wreckwood Election Questionnaire

Theo has also posted funny stuff, mostly a lot of repartee. But I'm too lazy to go dig through his gazillion posts and wade through all the plans, inspirations, etc., to get at the gems.

Kent Fitzgerald
Top 10 Reasons to wire your tablesaw for 240 Volts

David Eisan
The EPA does *not* have a sense of humor...
Home Depot customer horror stories!
Reclaiming Furniture to make pallets?
Router Accident in the Kitchen

Charles Dumont
started this absolutely hilarious thread on Can you commit suicide on your table saw?

Bill Denard
Huh?A wonderfully silly thread started by Bill.

IT'S A MAN THING! (The thermite post)

Thomas Bunetta
Mea Culpa — a cleansing

Thomas R. Bruce
Hey, kids! Be the first on your... (ActionNorm)
and Spokeshave's follow-up: NeanderthalMan

Unisaw A100
Keith's humour tends toward the repartee, most often one-liners that have me in stitches. Also true of Larry "c-less" Jaques and Charlie Self's positively Saharan humour, that's why they're not in the list. It's a case of "You had to be there." But here's a longer one and a recent reply to spam, as well as some older stuff.
"El Guapo" - The Sooper Gloat®
More traffic for your website!!!!!!!!!!
Welcome To Hell - Please Excuse Our Remodeling
Welcome to Hell / Can I Fluff Your Pillow?
Welcome to Hell. Can I get you a beverage?
Welcome to Hell: Thumping a Vein
Uncle Jessy - For Craftsman Tools
Craftsman tools are just fine

charlie b
The Pointy Stick Compendium Project
This thread is an instant classic. Get the whole thing, including pictures and further contributions, on Charlie's web site. A must read!

Dave Barry
How to make a board
Not that Dave Barry (whose column I assiduously read every Monday in the Yukon News) ever posted to the Wreck, but this is here by popular demand. As I believe that artists should be paid for their work, and that Dave Barry certainly qualifies, I am posting a link to buy his Complete Guide to Guys which I all urge you to buy. The part about "Steve" is well worth reading as most of us wreckers would relate to him rather than Dave's ineptness (ha!).

... Steve has every kind of tool he'll ever need for anything, right in his truck. If the world economy ever collapses, and mankind regresses to a primitive state, guys like Steve [That's me!] will be living in sturdy, safe shelters that they built with their own hands, eating food that they grew or caught. Whereas guys like you will be passing through the digestive systems of wolves.
If you've already got that book, go buy another one.

Dave Balderstone
A near tragedy in the shop

Michael Shipdeckbeam
Oops! Did I do that?
Grounding PVC dust collector pipe

Last but not least: Walt Akers
The Big Clock Incident
Scrap wood, snakes, beer cans and justice...
I bought a load of lumber
The Future of Tool Innovation
Old Lady Kirby' Barn
Dan and the Beanstalk
The Inheritance
A Tale From the Dawn of Time
Getting what you want out of life...
Making America Better
A Dispatch from Seaford - STANDARDS

Let's not forget the FAQs
Blurfl FAQ
Disclaimer FAQ
Hand Plane FAQ
Crowbar FAQ

or Frank Campbell's page of Woodworking Jokes.

By popular request, here's the classic bricklayer's accident report reposted by TeamCasa Dave. I first saw that one on a construction site in Montreal in the early '70s, in French. I still remember the slick and shiny "wet photocopy" it was on, before Xerox lost its monopoly on dry photocopies.

For woodworking books, go to Rick Nelson's webpages.charter.net/29Y/woodworking/books

Some one-liners I really like:
Groggy referring to a troll posting scatological pornography: "This guy seems fascinated with pictures of his birth."
Juergen Hannapel: "Are you insinuating that the reader might be a mentally challenged end of an intestinal tract?"
Doug Winterburn: "Maybe the screaming coming from a universal motor is the sound of that unaccounted for power being sucked through the interdimensional vortex?"

Back to Luigi's woodworking home page

Thanks to Charlieb , Rob Stokes, Mark & Juanita, Peter Shull, Pat Barber, Ken Muldrew, Jeff Thunder, Bridger, Owen Lowe, Young_carpenter, LRod, Frank Campbell, jim bailey, Tony Mo, John Endres, TeamCasa, David Hall, Patrick Olguin aka O'Deen, Cape Cod Bob, RWM, Dave in Fairfax, ws, Ralph Hybels who contributed links or suggestions for this page.

9 November 2005 version

© 2004-2005 Luigi Zanasi, Whitehorse, Yukon.
Fine Print:
You may not copy any of this for any reason whatsoever. Using anything from this page, including any single word, will result in prosecution under the DMCA if you are in the U.S.A. You will need to find circumlocutions to avoid using words like "the", "an", and "circumlocution". If your name is on this page, you will now need to get a name change as I now own the copyright on your current name.

The bird's eye maple background is from Romeyn Hough's The American Woods: exhibited by actual specimens and with copious explanatory text.
Wooddorking pages need a wooden backgound -- it's a basic rule of web page design that may not, under any circumstances whatsoever, be violated. So what if I had to bold everything to make it legible.

Link to my business home page just to try to fool Google into indexing it. Links to this humour page show up in all the repostings of wreck norm. So it's worth a try.